i was going to use this blog as my dairy basically but that failed miserably.. 

So, i was blessed with the hairy gene. It has made me so self-concious of my body and is one of the reasons of my low self-esteem. Growing up I have gotten made of because of it and their are times when I can ignore it and other times when I cant. I’m so preoccupied with what other people think of me, that I forget what I think of me and it ends up being the worst. I envy girls who are hairless. It’s a weird thing to envy but I am. I’ve always thought about the possibilites of me becoming famous and being called Chewbacca or Cousin It. 

One day while I sat looking through that post secret book where people send in post cards of their deepest secrets and I found one that related to this. It was a picture of girls with happy trails* and I just literally lol’d. I said to myself that’s me! It was two woman and in sharpie it said “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.” It made me feel like I wasn’t alone, that I wasn’t the only girl who was, hairy. It sounds kind of silly but it’s true.

Seeing all theses super models hairless and celebrities flawless skin and I’m just the Wolfman in the corner. I would rather be fat then hairy because I could lose the weight anyways. Then I thought again and realized that someone obese would probably want to be hairy instead of fat. 

I ended up burning my stomach trying to get rid of my hair. My mom bought me this patch thingy that you put on your skin where you want to get rid of hair on. You wait a certain amount of time to take it off. I don’t remember why I waited so long but then I felt my stomach stinging. I took of the thing and yeah it took the hair off but it burnt my skin… All because I was self conscious of my hair. 

In the summer before high school started I went to Florida to be with my cousin Jackie because we were going to New York to my aunts house for the summer. I have always compared myself to her and envied her life. She had such amazing friends and wasn’t afraid to stick up for herself and I wish I could be like that. I was jealous of her body, face, personality and clothes. When you grow up, especially where she’s from in Florida you have to look perfect. You have to be hairless because you live 5 minutes away from the beach. I saw her friends and they looked amazing, so beautiful and flawless. And their was I, her quite, awkward cousin. Compared to her I felt so fat and ugly. So one day we came up with the idea to shave my arms and she does it too. I remember she said yeah, i help my sis, shave her arms all the time. I felt scared but I did it anyway. Once I saw my skin I felt so effortless, so pretty..

All in all now its even hairier and I haven’t shaved them again. I have shave my belly and lower back but not in a while. I kind of met a guy who accepted my flaws and my insecurity. He loves everything about me, my body, my face, my personality and my clothes. Every time I doubt myself he reassures me of my beauty. [And yes I rant about him on previous post but no one has a perfect relationship and gets along 24/7] He has never left my side and that’s something that’s irreplaceable. He means so much to me and I thank God for bringing him in my life. 

Something that I always try to remember whenever I doubt myself that my mom always tells me is that, ” If you believe your, then you are.” If you believe your ugly then you are. If you believe you arent good enough, then you aren’t. We have to change our mind sets and instead Believe that we are good enough.

[[God will always believe in you, always love you and always protect you never forget that.]]

He’s always said he loved my voice but I never really believed him. I guess it’s a girl thing, always being insecure, never believing what people tell you. Until, one day we were laying on the floor in his room and I sang to him. I started to sing, but not truly trying. I became so self-conscious even in front of the guy I love, so I stopped. He had fallen asleep and as soon as I stopped he turned toward me with his sleepy eyes and said, “Hey, why’d you stop singing?” I couldn’t believe it, he actually wanted me to sing to him. Those few words meant so much to me and I don’t think he truly understood that and I’m not sure anyone else does but they did. So, I kept singing. I just kept singing random things that came to my mind, I laughed when I messed up and I just felt free from insecurity with him.

I have always wanted a sign that my voice was good, that I had an inch of talent in me and i don’t know why but that moment just made me believe I could have a chance. Maybe, just maybe. 

Its funny what a hypocrite you are. 

Your so quick to judge me, what I listen to, what I watch and look at yourself. Its sad how one minute your so amazing and the next your a jerk. You honestly act like you know everything and you act like what I do is the end of the world. I never point out your flaws because I know how that hurts. It sucks being with someone who never lies but it sucks more knowing how I much I love that about you. I’ve told you this time and time again to watch what you say but its hard to change people. I hate feeling less of person because of you. Yes, we’re Christian but do you honestly have to point out my sins…